What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
You’re my heartthrob.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”