How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.