What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.